And at times I feel others doubt my ability even when I don't and start to have faith in myself? Like you actually do judge and to me, or have been doing it subconsciously. You keep harping on my results and make me dwell on, and the thought of you judging my future performances based on that bugs me a great deal.
I can't express exactly how I feel at times, and maybe it's just about 'me' and I'll deal with it gradually.
Cos' there's too many pressing world issues, making me realise how insignificant these petty grievances of mine are.
Guess, I'll get over it. Hopefully without confrontation, because I suck at it.
I pray for an end to my anxiety attacks cos' it's just gonna cost me yet again, and my bubble to burst. I'm more than what people think I am.
Only God knows what Faith can do.
"With enough practice and willpower, you can train yourself to be in control of your brain and excel at whatever you do." On a side note,If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it-Lucy Larcom I love the feeling of touching lives. It's a privilege I have.
"Your eyes nose lips It haunts my memory I can’t forget you if I tried I wanna believe in your lies."
And on a side note, so f**ked up being fat. "You breathe air also fat" FK. Seriously. My life is thrown into great confusion these days. In all aspects.
Snippets of my life for the past few weeks. Overdue happenings..
10/3/15
Cafe hopping with my beloved two (when we get older we gradually stopped calling ourselves 'Threesome' clique HAHA M18 content) + my best friend's beloved. So much fun and I felt so YOLO again that I created @foodiefeifaith on the same night. Just wanted to keep a food diary, not to fish for fame or whatever shit but just to document my young, ignorant foodie life. Sin Lee Foods > Softball finals (2nd!!) > Maison Ikkoku
Consistent order.
Salted egg sweet potato fries. Damn shiok but extra dose of salted egg please.
Thanks SEXY SKINNY ZIXIN♡ OMG didn't know you work there!?
So nostalgic.
Memories stay gold.
Miss batting and pitching balls. I had a thigh gap. At least I HAD. (2012^)
It was burning to the extent that my sweat dripped off my thighs when I stood up. And plus I have dry skin hor.
Cafe life is good life.
I'm happy for you my best friend. That you found someone who truly loves and cares for you, and it feels like you both are soul mates, truly made for each other. #SHIP you guys 4eva la.
Touristy.
To more YOLO moments.
13/3/15
Another couple can #SHIP one is linguines... HAHA. Caught up with this bae over gentle yoga stretch in the morning and brunch! Our yoga instructor was busy flirting with housewives.. We didn't even drip a sweat whut..
We never took proper photos. She always chio one.
Overrated truffle yakiniku don although there was egg porn.
Not a big fan of potatoes but Pra (my colleague) whipped up this rustic potato dish for dinner that left me craving for more. He soaked the peeled diced potatoes in cold water 3-4 times and then stir-fried it with bacon. Seasoned with olive oil, salt, black pepper and nutmeg. Oven-baked then tossed in egg yolk. Some genius sia.
You need tissue to wipe your drools?
14/3/15
Visited NUS open house with the sexy smartie one ♥ Totally enlightened and definitely more worth the time than the SMU one.. I really hope the decision/choice I made is guided by God's grace.
'STEP-PY' SEXY HEH ^^
On the side note, I've come to realise the ones that really matter, the ones that stuck by me through tough times. Not hypocrites who rub it in. Pretentious nature of people just irks me big time.
14/3/15
TAMMYMEEE BDAE. but also Becca's departure date to Vietnam!! Morning> airport, Afternoon> Tam's crib to surprise the sleeping beauty.
"Eh I miss the airport feels hor, you think I travel all the way to send you off? Cheh." HAHA JK la be safe ✦
Tammy wear so chio just to accompany us downstairs to satisfy our Macs craving. So much ❤
18/3/15
Died at hot power flow with Kim in the morning HAHA but we survived. So proud of my bestie so fit one. Actually all my besties are except me foodiefeifaith. K I don't wanna dwell on my weight issues FK THAT.
Wanted to visit hems at work but $10 to enter!? :( And shorts and slippers like inappropriate only.
Lunch with the besties before hopz yay. I need my snapback hor Kim keep make fun. CAPBACK CANNOT MEH.
Hopz was fun, can't wait to perform the full choreo!?! Zaihar really damn 'zai' and full of real swag.
19/3/15
Tried the #spicykoreannoodlechallenge with the bosses for dinner @ work. I'm just so dumb to cook the sauce in 600ml of water and I boiled my noodles in it cos the picture seemed like there's water still in step 2 I don't get it.. Dana was like "Er isn't it supposed to be the dry style..." So I left the SOUP to boil and like evaporate so the SAUCE would be concentrated. Then I added 3-4 slices of chilli padi in case not spicy enough. WHAT WAS I THINKING WTF.
Verdict: We all choked abit, gulped from our water bottles, had runny nose, dripping sweat but DAMN SHIOK. Ok maybe it would have been more shiok and with more kick if I had a lil' common sense to just mix the spicy sauce with the dried noodles... Tsk.
SAMYANG Fried Chicken Noodles @ $1.60
ANYONE WANT DARE ME FOR SECOND ROUND THE LEGGIT WAY?!
Happenings at work...
Dana made fondant for some FENDI event. STUNNING PLEASE. We can settle for fake fendi bags ya!!
And we had #TGIF #worldmacaronday baby macarons giveaway!!
Making multiracial babies all day err day.
Amidst all the fun times and hype at work, I'm constantly filled with self-doubt and fear. Just the fear of making mistakes and not being able to live up to expectations and that I'll get judged for every blunder that I commit. That I'll be the centre of humiliation and blame when things go wrong. These negative thoughts free-flowed. I just pray that hopefully I don't break down one day. I'm just walking by faith and I choose to trust my God who's the centre of my life and my aspirations. He's the strength of my heart even when my spirit grow weary.
Nonetheless, I'm constantly reminded by my bosses that:
Undeserving but incredibly blessed.
Really inspired by this:
And constantly reminded that:
"Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear
I am not alone I am not alone You will go before me You will never leave me"
Self-doubt. Helplessness. And all other negative thoughts overwhelming me throughout this entire week.
Pretentious people rubbing it in my face.
While those who genuinely care for me just stood by me and urge me not to wallow in self-pity, and assuring me with their faith in me. And for that, I give thanks.
"For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope"-Jeremiah 29:11
I believe that the Lord wants to steer my path into a fun and fulfilling one and that all things will work out for my good. The only way is to trust in his plans,cos' he never fails to amaze.
F A I T H
"Faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see."-Hebrews 11:1
